I was that person who used to be so strict to myself that I somehow lost the essence of truly having fun by myself; having my own time to do anything that would make me happy. My definition of happiness has been going to different side. These past three years were quite hard which I lost two friends and a teacher whom I really looked up to. To be worse, I lost trust for some people that I thought reliable.
I recalled that I was so busy last year and had nothing to do for myself until the news of my teacher passed away came. It just hit me hard since I also lost my friends in previous years. What kind of life do I wish to live?
I argued a lot to myself. I questioned God. There were some days that I felt like a gloomy one. It was hard to maintain focus, thus led me to sleep deprivation. I tend to tire myself during the day, so I could sleep easily. I ate a lot only to get sleepy. Meanwhile those things were carried on my shoulder, I tried to live the day as normal as it would be. It’s as simply as walking, you couldn’t just stop walking just because you only got bruises on your feet, no? So, I thought I would be fine. However, a mere illusion of “I’m fine” is as worse as placebo effect. You never know when you’re going to break.
The moment of loss was the moment I started to talk more to myself. I tried to find peace which somehow lost for the last three years. I tried to appreciate whatever things that make me happy. A small coffee shop where my favorite seat facing towards the large window near the small garden, a certain spot in my campus library where I could dwell reading anything in peace, blooming four-o-clock every morning in my front garden, sprouting little fungi around my backyard are stuffs that I start to be thankful for their existence.
What I found today 🙂
Fig. 1. My new track that I accidentally tried this morning. It felt nice walking here after the morning run. Just like RPG game, I unlocked new area.
Fig. 2. As I predicted, I found some new Ganoderma (I guess) here. Rain has been pretty intense for weeks, meanwhile it’s been sunny for couple days. I couldn’t wait to see them even bigger.
Fig.3. A ‘fallen’ Ganoderma I picked. It’s so small, it looks like a shell somehow.
What song’s playing while I finish this post: Christmas Time is Here – Vocal by Vince Guaraldi Trio 🙂